| i'm a modern girl... but i fold in half so easily |
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[30 Jul 2006|11:56am] |
why am i incapable of being alone?
just sitting in my apartment, listening to music and reading should suffice. i should be comfortable enough at 22 years old to be able to hang out alone. with myself. and not feel like a disappointment.
but that's just it. i'm disappointed. like i'm never enough for myself. i don't know what that says about me. because... i like me. i like who i am, the things i do and say, the way i look. i am comfortable with being this person. and yet... underneath it all... i'm not enough. i'm always looking for a better offer.
i don't know what that says about me, but i'm sure its something terrible.
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[19 Jul 2006|10:22am] |
i need to decide if i want to be in brooklyn or in los angeles.
i have absolutely no idea how to make such a decision. can someone please give me some guidance?
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[18 Jul 2006|02:07pm] |
in a tiny message printed on the tiny screen of my phone a smile will remain on my face all afternoon, and it amazes me that someone so far away (not only physically, but emotionally) could be capable of eliciting such a reaction.
i hope things are about to get very interesting.
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| boredom. |
[09 Jul 2006|02:06am] |
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mood |
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slightly sleepy |
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music |
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yum, air conditioner. |
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Finish the sentence:
1. I've come to realize that my ex... is probably more than a little crazy.
2. I am listening to... the sound of my fan
3. Maybe I should... go to bed
4. I love... puppies.
5. My best friends... are the people who are still willing to listen to me.
6. I don't understand... how some people can be consistently unreliable
7. I lose... lovers
8. People say... that i should heed my own advice
9. The meaning of my screen name is... i like fairies?
10. Love is... tempramental
11. Somewhere, someone is... having a toe curling orgasm
12. I will always... have small breasts
13. Forever seems... like just the right amount of time
14. I never want to... feel alone.
15. My mobile phone is... an extention of my hand.
16. When I wake up in the morning... i hit the snooze button and curse the sun.
17. I get annoyed when... people let me down.
18. Parties are... a place to feel cool.
19. My fish are... all i heaven
20. Kisses are the worst when... the person has been eating doritos
21. Today I... did laundry. ate a bagel. tried to sell clothes to buffalo exchange and beacons closed. bought some clothes i couldnt afford. went to a bizarre jesus themed italian fair in williamsburg with liv and kevin and drank pina coladas. saw pirates of the caribbean two.
22. Tonight I will... go to bed. since its 2am and no one wanted to party.
23. Tomorrow i will... go to Rich Davis' house in Staten Island with tay and nicole for a bbq
24. I really want... a woobie in my bed that i could moosh and love up.
my, now wasn't that fun.
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[26 Jun 2006|11:29am] |
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i was just propositioned with the line "have you ever seen a 56 year old man naked... would you like to?"
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| some thoughts. |
[19 Jun 2006|12:43am] |
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mood |
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slightly sleepy |
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music |
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yum, air conditioner. |
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i really wish i knew what it means. i guess nothing, though maybe something, though it doesn't really matter either way. i like being vague, but also broad. i guess maybe its just how i feel about a lot of things... but i'm alright with inconclusiveness.
ps. brooklyn is awesome, the neighborhood is always crowded and bustling which means there is never a dull moment... i work so hard all day doing something incredible and then go out almost every night with people i love... it amazes me that i could be outside of the apartment as much as i am, and granted i spend a good amount of time being exhausted, but it could be worse... things are crazy but i'm loving it... and i'm just enjoying myself... buying exciting new clothes to suit my new wardrobe desires, and eating really nummy healthy foods for the most part... i should attempt to sleep soon so i can get up and go to work... i can't even believe it... in bed before one so i can go WORK... and i'm HAPPY about it... something has got to be right. :)
pps... who wants to play this week? i feel like i'm always hectic... but i would love to see all of you that i haven't had a chance to see since i got back from la. so... let me know. totes party.
ppps... i miss being in love. it would be a nice feeling to have.
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[21 May 2006|02:29am] |
college graduate?
oh yeah. that's me.
back in LA. for two weeks. feeling like my bed is really big. and really empty. and this house has none of my friends in it. crap.
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[20 Apr 2006|01:49am] |
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Vito's Ordination Song-Sufjan Stevens-Greetings From Michigan: The Great Lakes State |
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i can't even seem to find the words.
i wasn't lying when i told kevin sometimes the only thing you can rely on people to do is let you down.
i should have gotten used to this by now. right?
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[09 Mar 2006|06:58pm] |
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content |
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im watching scary movie trailers |
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you smell like cigarettes and boy.
i like it.
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| making love to your memory... |
[12 Feb 2006|02:37am] |
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mood |
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somewhat drunk |
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music |
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Someone Else's Arms-Mae-The Everglow |
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we frolicked in the snow tonight... taking pictures of this weird toy that kate has that makes an amazing noise when you shake it... it made snow angels next to olivia and even though the snow got into our eyes... there was something incredibly amazing about all of it. we even got security to take a picture, in between giving someone an open container ticket... it was pretty brilliant. my hair froze into weird dredlocks, and i felt like doing a dance. in fact, i think i did do a dance. then we ate bowls of snow with creme de cassis... it was loverly.
it didnt even feel that cold (though maybe that was the brandy talking)... and i just wanted to be holding your hand and walking through the snow like we were the only two people in the entire world... i wish that we could go back to my room and not even put the heat on, wrap our legs around one another and get under the sheets... we wouldn't even have to do anything... just feeling your hot breathe against my cold lips would be enough... and then we'd fall asleep in each others arms, our foreheads pressed together and our bodies creating a bubble of warmth that would protect us from the storm. we could sleep until the sky cleared and then order chocolate chip pancakes from the diner and eat them in bed. trust me, if we're careful the syrup won't get on the sheets. and we could stay there forever.
i want to be in love again. i miss that feeling.
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[21 Jan 2006|11:48pm] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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it becomes harder and harder to say no when i realize that it's the best prospect i have in the future. and yes, i know this goes against everything else i've been saying for the past months... but the truth of the matter is that i am not going to get what i want. and contrary to my own thoughts, i have not, in fact, WON anything. i'm still in the same place that i was before, and so therefore... it is getting harder and harder to say no to him. what i believed once to be jealousy is in fact, just a different type of concern. this will never be what i want it to be... and therefore, i take comfort in the things i know will never change. the things i know will not effect me in the long run, because i know how my heart beats for him... and i know that i cannot change the memories we have together, and instead i should embrace them, because love is not something i throw around, and therefore... there is no reason why i should deny these realities to myself... and so... while it gets harder and harder to say no to him... i've decided i should perhaps start saying yes.
ps... i am entirely too drunk for my own good... therefore, this ramble is probably entirely non coherent. pps i really fucking wish the sunshine would disappear already. i wish that i knew what certain things meant in the grand scheme of things, why i find these songs why i hear these stories why i have these dreams, i wish that it meant they MEANT something, when in reality i know i'm only being silly. ;
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[21 Jan 2006|09:38am] |
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 groggy |
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music |
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the fan |
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i dreamt about him again last night, this time in the desert, where we jumped into a swimming pool with out clothes out to get out of the sun's heat. we were following people to get to some destination i was never sure of... but i only found him because he called me while i waiting in a filthy diner... waiting for HB to arrive... though he never did. when i wake up from these dreams i am coated in a sweat like memories, and i want to crawl out of my skin, and my thoughts, if only it meant that i could forget who you are.
in other (lighter) news... there is this feeling i get, when he holds me. the same feeling i get when he walks into the room. and there is something to be said for that moment, that little flip in my stomach. i don't know what will possibly come of it, but i do so want to bottle those kinds of moments. inside of them exists a silly type of perfection that can be found no where else, and while the tumult of every day life is going on around me... i like that i can escape into that for a few moments, knowing that i'm safe.
x
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| that is what i want... a coin operated boy. |
[08 Jan 2006|10:36pm] |
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boys are rubbish.
edit: except for c-lowe. and the angel. cause they made me okay. and make sunday nights into spontanious "god its been a lovely day... everything's been going my way" kind of nights... so i heart them. big time. and ps... downtown LA isn't that scary. and pps i like timmy too... he made my weekend. pomona thugs are far less scary when you have a boy who'll put his arm around you, even if its only to make you feel like you're not going to get knifed. :)
and ppps... getting let down by HB for the first time ever felt like shit. especially when it happened three days in a row. sometimes that just means you have to start hating someone... or at least making them feel like a horrible person for at least two days... if not forever.
x
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| i'm fighting myself to get you out of my head... |
[04 Jan 2006|05:43pm] |
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i'm not sure why i wake up every morning knowing that you've been here... not in reality, but in my mind. i'm not sure why you flutter through my dreams like snowflakes, dotting the landscape with your presence. it doesn't make sense to me... i never think about you when i am awake, and the moment i close my eyes you reappear to taunt me.
is this even real anymore... where are you... and where ever that place is, are you dreaming of me in return...?
it wouldn't matter if you were.
i just wanted you to know that.
i am better and stronger now.
x
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[27 Dec 2005|09:38am] |
dudes... i leave tomorrow for two days in palm springs and three days in oakland with TCBE.... i want to do fun things so it doesn't seem like moving to LA will be the worst decision ever... so yeah. who wants to play with me when i get back? there are like 600 movies i wanna see... and i wanna go to disneyland. so yeah... who's up for a party?>
i hope everyone is having a good time with whatever they are doing... hanukah rules and last night i got a 60 gig black video iPod. fuck yeah. my 10 gig was just not working out anymore. heehee. OH and a new dressing gown, which im sporting right now. hell... yes.
x x x
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| merry christmukkah |
[25 Dec 2005|10:07pm] |
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full. and a little hannukah drunk |
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music |
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iron chef america |
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hope everyone had a lovely christmas day and first night of hannukah....
being back in la has been very relaxed.. and i don't think i can complain about having 80 degree december days, though muffin asked me how long we can use the good weather as an excuse for being here...
i hope everyone got really great presents today, and that being home for the holidays has been a good time. i've had a week of really interesting and conflicting feelings, really great drinks, great friends and laughs and as always... being in the valley.
and i've said two things i never thought i would say... a) that i actually LOVE chain reaction and b) that T.O. isn't that bad... i MUST be drunk. :)
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[13 Dec 2005|08:33pm] |
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'bout to get celebretorially stoned. |
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um... christmas songs on WSLC. hot. |
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i just finished my last fucking conference paper.
fucking fuck yes.
i feel like i can breathe again.
california... i'm coming home. x
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| my year in review. |
[10 Dec 2005|12:01am] |
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twitchy |
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Marching Bands Of Manhattan-Death Cab for Cutie-Plans |
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As told through the first sentences from each first entry of the month...
JANUARY
i have to say that this was by far the best new years eve that ive ever had.
FEBRUARY
its 1220 and im at my internship at warner music international right now... i am SO hungover and realized that althought it WAS cindys birthday last night, staying up till half four was not the right decision.
MARCH
yesterday morning i woke up to this:
red and black xx (8:19:06 PM): i want heroes to be jews
APRIL
haven't updated in awhile... probably because im only motivated when i am at work, and i havent been in two weeks due to the holiday and everything.
MAY
bamboozle was.... everything i was hoping that it could be.
JUNE
back in california... not that excited about it...
JULY
i want to know why i always have to be missing someone.
AUGUST
queen size beds allow for two full rotations when rolling across the covers.
SEPTEMBER
tomorrow is my 21st birthday.
OCTOBER
and then the inevitable... that it has become soiled in some way... that i have messed it up...
NOVEMBER
lived in a pretend world for a week pretending that it would never end.
DECEMBER
and now it's a snow day, and the snow is falling off the trees against the bluest sky.
that was exciting. xx
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| this makes me extremely happy |
[09 Dec 2005|09:34am] |
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its beautiful outside. |
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Thumbelina-Nightmare Of You-Nightmare Of You |
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and now it's a snow day, and the snow is falling off the trees against the bluest sky.
i'm going to stay in pajamas all day.
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| what a better way of avoiding conference work... |
[29 Nov 2005|11:00pm] |
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sleepy |
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Self Medicate-An Angle-...And Take It With A Grain Of Salt |
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if you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, even if we don't speak often, please post a comment with a memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, either good or bad.
When you're finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people remember about you.
come on guys... WAY better than annotated bibliographies and outlines and psychology journal entries... i'll tell you THAT much.
x x x x
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